One of THOSE days

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, having forgotten to set an alarm. I’m having one of those self-hating days. I’m sure many people have them. I’m a particularly strong self hater. I hate so many things about myself that all I can do is go back to bed…and do productive things while under the covers, like read for grad school and stare at the ceiling. I make lists in my head of all of the things I hate about myself and was never able to change and hate myself some more. Which makes me sad.

Tomorrow, I’ll wake up on time and it’ll all be fine. For now, I’m going back under the covers for a while.

Friday Five belated

1. To me, life seems like a whirl of social events after my 1.5 year of hermitude in Madison. It’s just incredible, and fun.

2. Hebrew is still kicking my butt, I need to keep stepping up to the plate.

3. Honestly, I’m not so excited about classes this quarter, but hoping that next quarter will be better.

4. Last weekend, my friend got hitched. It was fun. But brought about so many complex emotions.

5. The best part was that L spent a few days with me. I wish it could have been longer…I love my Smith friends!

Considering Coming Out Day (belated)

Coming out day was last week. I didn’t feel like recognizing the holiday like I did last year. But, on further thought, I decided to mention it. I’ve had a couple funny experiences lately. If you don’t know me in person you may not realize, but I definitely blend in. I don’t “look gay”. It’s kind of ironic, because one of the things I liked best about Smith was that I could be a lesbian without wearing a wife beater and baseball cap. I could be my, relatively adrogynous (in the lesbian spectrum) self without awkwardness. I’ve often aspired (mentally) to meet the stereotypes to be easily identified if nothing else. And in my own private coming out ceremony at the age of 16, I cut off my hair.

I let it grow back during senior year. And keep it short and easily maintained, because I don’t like a fuss, but not short short any longer.

I was at band rehearsal a couple of weeks ago. My two seatmates are gay men. We were talking about one of our conductors (a woman). And I said something. And E turns to me and asks “are you gay?” and I said yes. And he said “really, I didn’t think so”.  2 weeks pass, and I have the same conversation with my other bandmate. He says “no really! You don’t look gay!” And I turned to him and said , “Yeah, I like to blend in.” Which is a half-truth. The whole truth is that I am who I am. I dress how I dress. And I look the way I look. It doesn’t change my sexual orientation.

It reminds me, as always, of the truism that you never stop coming out. I haven’t yet. Sometimes, though, with my non-Jewish looks and midwestern mannerisms, I don’t just come out as a lesbian, I come out as Jew, too. And I get the same response: “You don’t look Jewish! and your hair is almost blond!”

Friday…

It’s Friday, and I’m back in Madison for the weekend. It’s really a fall festival of sorts with all sorts of family activities. Today was for reuniting with the puppy and sister.  Tomorrow is the day in honor of fall: challah french toast(from the challah I missed on RH and YK), apple and pumpkin picking, and a drive north to leaf peep. I can’t wait. I have missed Wisconsin, access to rural life and the outdoors. Sunday is for errands and the drive back. (oh yeah, I need to study and read during the weekend too!).

Pictures and details will follow.

Strangely enough

Today at Religious School, one of the rabbis visited the class to round out our lesson on what it means to be Jewish (what Judaism is). He took a bag of Cheez-its for a snack before he talked, because they’re addictive, he said. I sat down at the front of the U of tables, he pulled up in between a student and madrichah. While I listened to him talk, especially about his ideas about god and religious acts, I thought about rabbis. I thought that if I could talk that–be skeptical about god and not believe in the sanctity of religious acts for the sake of themselves (if that makes sense) and believe that being a Jew is about action–doing the right thing, working towards justice, etc.–I could be a rabbi too. I always thought that I wasn’t spiritual enough, religious enough.

Strange.

Friday 5

1. It’s Mountain Day at Smith! I’m so jealous. I miss those years of apple picking and hiking. Here in the city, I might visit the lake again. But, the fall fun will have to wait until I’m home next weekend.

2. The first week of classes is over. It was good. I like having Hebrew now, because I know the teacher and my fellow students. It’s not new and strange. My new classes were both on Thursday (one I missed the beginning of on Tuesday due to Rosh Hashanah.

3. I’ve made friends, so I’m not worried anymore.

4. In less than two weeks, one of my best friends is visiting! I’m so excited.

5. Next weekend, I go home. I can’t wait for the pumpkin patch, hiking, breakfasting, and puppy playing.