November! already

Since the music department, where I do my work study, has a big Halloween concert tomorrow night, I have the morning off. I needed it. This quarter has been a whirlwind and adding just work study that does not have a schoolwork component has taken some getting used to. I have been spending the morning cleaning, drinking coffee (I bought a coffeemaker for $10 off of the university marketplace!), and listening to a podcast of the NPR show Sound Opinions which makes me feel cool, because by listening to S.O. I feel up to date on “new” music.

I can’t believe that it’s going to be November on Sunday. I also can’t believe that we are going to begin the 6th week of the quarter. This means that we only have 5 weeks left. That is slightly horrifying. The U of C quarter system makes EVERYTHING seem intense and move quickly. I feel like there’s no time to breathe or get used to how things are. Granted, I am what would be called  a slow adjuster. Although I seek out change, I grumble about it when it happens. It takes me a while to get used to things. And since I’m always seeking out new challenges that put me in new situations that challenge me, I am always grumbling about something.

I wonder about this component of myself. Part of it is this constant problem of getting bored–I need to ensure that I’m intellectually stimulated. But at the same time, it’s annoying. I’d like to be more conventional–have a “real job” now or, in all honesty, seek out a conventional life. As a kid, I did the same activities throughout my childhood, but I always had several on my plate. I quit activities when we moved but not because I was bored. I always played music and throughout most of my kid-life I danced, too. It’s not that I’m a flitter. I am a committer. But when looking for something to do with my life, I’m from the trying things out school of life. And I haven’t committed to anything yet.

This tendency of mine does not jive well with some readers of this blog (primarily my grandparents and my mom, ahem). And there’s nothing I’ve been able to do to relieve their fears that I’m going to be living at the poverty line and paying off student loans for the rest of my life. I’m ambitious and I’ve got things to do. I just haven’t figured out how to get where I want to go. Part of this issue is the burden of HAVING to have insurance due to my health problems. I look at my Salt classmates. Most of them have taken the risky path–freelancing. And now, finally, most of them are getting published and achieving success. I don’t know how much money they’re making, but there name is getting out there, 3 years later. (One is even writing for the Daily Show!) I didn’t have that much time to commit to living on the edge for the sake of my art. Or maybe it’s that I lack the passionate drive. Or a lack of patience.

For all my intentionality when choosing grad school, academia is just not for me. I am not good at living a theory/idea based life. I need something with practical implications and more human/community contact. I actually went to the career advising office this week. I wanted to talk to them about my visions of the future and see if they could help me forge a path. And the counselor was quite helpful, although she knows nothing about working in the Jewish world. I’ll have to go back. First, though, I’m visiting Reconstructionist Rabbinical College in 2 weeks. After I take that trip, I’ll hopefully know more about how I want to angle myself path-wise–more school? or something else? I’m keeping my visions of the future under wraps for now.

 

Julie & Julia made me think about passion

I went with my sister to see Julie & Julia tonight. And it was a wonderful movie: funny, touching, and smart. I loved the fact that both women are graduates of Pioneer Valley colleges. Julia Child, of course, was a Smithie. And Juliae Powell went to Amherst. Beyond that, though, the movie was inspiring. I am happy to have been able to meet Julia Child in 2002 at Smith. She fell asleep in my French class, but my friends and I attended a tea where she was the honored guest and were able to speak to her.

It did not inspire me to blog however, or to try to increase my very small readership. I understand how that could be construed, but I am actually talking about something different: developing a passion. I don’t have a specific passion. I’ve always had several. If you know me in person, you know that if I did or thought or studied about just 1 thing for a period of time, I will end up bored. I need the multi-brain stimulation or else. It’s not that I don’t develop enthusiasms, but it’s not the same.  It was so fun, though, to watch these two women develop their passions side by side.  And they talked about them. All the time. I met someone like that this summer. Someone who incorporated their graduate study into their lives to such a degree that it was ALL they talked about. Or referenced rather. The point of reference for nearly all life encounters and experiences ended up being this subject of study. Which, unfortunately, left us less privileged in the dark. It was fascinating to watch that passion, even when it was completely out of place in the social context we were in. But to see someone with that drive, like the Julie/as. Wow. It’s intense, impressive too.

I think it’s exciting that people can develop these nearly all-consuming interests. I always wished I had one. When I’ve tried to write my interests down, it ends up being a list, which is obvious on my facebook “info”. I have lots of “interests” and “activities”. I don’t have a problem being myself, but my life is definitely more about trial and error instead of feeling certain of a direction (although I have a good idea of where I will not be). I also know that not everyone as a “calling” or “passion” that leads their life work in a specific direction. Even so, I’m just hoping that even if my life path meanders and I never find an all consuming sort of passion, I’ll eventually end up somewhere good.

Leaving Israel: a post that meanders

Pardes has ended. Tomorrow, Friday, at midnight, I will fly back to the U.S. I wanted to write a quick post, that will hopefully be bookended on one side with a more reflective post when I have the time and space to reflect.

As many of you know, Israel is not a place I longed to visit. I came here, because of Pardes, somewhat reluctantly. Knowing that I would hate the weather (I’m a northerner through and through). Knowing that the people, the Israelis, would have personalities that would grate against me and offend and possibly even scare me with their aggression. I had no particular sentimental passion about the idea of the “Jewish homeland”, in fact, after the paper I wrote last school year, any seed of Zionist ideology still lurking in my brain was erased by disturbed disgust. (I believe that Israel should exist as a Jewish state, I just don’t identify with Zionism).

When I got here it was hot. The people were aggressive. The apartment I am living in was in a state of filth. And I was tired, still being affected by my newly diagnosed condition (and jet lagged). After six weeks, I’m beginning to see how I will tolerate living here for a year if things (yet unveiled to all) go according the the plan. The assets of a strong Anglo community are great. The body adjusts to the heat (although just barely!). The legs adjust to the hills–a good thing.The eyes adjust to seeing the soldiers with guns and the frum (orthodox) with their long sleeves and various forms of dress.

Pardes itself was just wonderful. I had occasionally spouts of uncomfortable feeling about the orthodox bent that comes with attending a halachically observant institution. But, you find your place. You discover a chevruta (study partner) in your classes that will meld or challenge your belief systems. It’s about discovery and flexibility. I am more aware in ways I think I don’t even understand now. I have an awareness of halakha, of the viewpoint of the Orthodox. And of the challenges of Jews being Jews everywhere in the world because of the great diversity of experience, especially in how that translates to explanation and education of the outside world. I was profoundly affected by learning in a pluralistic community where I felt free to grow and learn without self-consciousness. Sometimes, I felt awkward or weird or guilty about deciding not to daven (pray) in the egalitarian minyan, even though it is not my regular tradition and I feel better having more unstructured time. There were occasions when I felt strange not keeping Shabbat or eating in a non-kosher restaurant, even though I don’t regularly keep shabbat or kosher. So, the pressure was there.

I’m sitting here in my room in the German Colony, Jerusalem both excited to return to Madison, where the Pride fest will be attended on Saturday night and Sunday, where I will not have invitations to Shabbat lunch or seudat shlishi (3rd meal), and curious as to what it will mean to not be in a place where it is assumed that of course everyone will be walking to shul or eating a shabbas meal or lunch or seuda shlishi. Where after Shabbat ends on Saturday night, the streets come alive with families, singles, teens, and seniors. Where you still see small children eating ice cream outside Aldo at midnight. I wonder what that will feel like. Will it feel normal? will there be a feeling of loss?

The most exciting/interesting/lovely aspect of my Jerusalem experience was the people. I met such incredible people. And what I liked most was the lack of pressure. We’d eat dinner or hang out. But, we were all temporary. We all say good bye and if we see each other again, it will be with pleasure. There was such an interesting crowd. I was happy to be a part of them for 6 weeks. And I’m excited to maintain my Chicago friendships, which will hopefully translate into Shabbat dinners and shul hopping around the city.

Tempted

It’s the weekend between week 8 and 9 here in Hyde Park. And it’s Memorial Day weekend. A “holiday” weekend. Which, apparently, falls appropriately at a point where I have to write papers for finals in order to feel successful. So, I am. Or will. Yesterday I wrote notes and a presentation outline. Today, I am blogging instead of starting. I have notes. 2 different files of notes and one outline. I also have the paper proposal open. We are ready. Open yet another new document…

Instead, I am thinking about the Borders rewards coupon sitting in my inbox. 40% off. I am moving soon. I am getting kicked out of my housing and moving everything to a storage unit–which I have not yet reserved. And so, buying another book, especially after a quarter where I ended up buying more than 10 is probably not a good idea. But, the idea of going to borders and paying 5 or 7 dollars for a new book of fiction sounds wonderful (and I have a gift card with $5 left!). Kind of like heaven. What is one more book, especially when it’s so cheap? But, I am a grad student, living off a pittance of loans and other small incomes, and it will add another weight to one of the many boxes of books. This is why Borders sent out a Memorial Day weekend coupon with such a large discount. To tempt me. To lead me, a bookworm, away from my computer and productivity and towards the nearest big box bookstore (or down Lake Shore Drive to my favorite).

a case of the Mondays

I have a case of the Mondays today.

Why?

Let’s see:

1. I couldn’t get through the 1.5 hours of class before break without dashing downstairs for a bathroom break during class. The problem was the coffee. The other problem was the fact that about 1/2 before the mad dash downstairs I had started obsessing. And when you start obsessing about having to do something like that, you cannot concentrate. Which wouldn’t be that bad if you weren’t in a small class and sat close to the teacher.

2. In the same class, I didn’t have the copy of the primary source, because there were 2 copies on Reserve. I had decided not to even try to get one of those copies. It was no fun. And it didn’t help with my obsessing about #1.

3.Other stuff that I can’t talk about.

4.The university grad housing office is so entrenched in bureaucracy and customer service is clearly not their goal. I have to move out on June 14, I’ve decided not to “transfer” apartments, which means I have to pay another deposit (which I’ll get back of course). But the manager even threatened to take away my monetary compensation for having to get kicked out early. Until she read the fine print, again. Unbelievable!

5. The fact that I’m sitting in the music building not getting work done. Like I do every other Monday night of my school life. I hate the lights, the building’s temperature, the noise, and the location of my desk: conveniently located next to the men’s single stall bathroom with a vent. Lovely.

What I have been doing during Finals week of Winter Quarter 2009

1. bought junk food including veggie booty, organic teddy grahams (they were the same price as the non-organic ones!), pretzels, and goldfish (ok, I actually buy these quite often, and a 12 pack of diet cherry coke and one of diet root beer.

2. eaten said junk food (except for the pretzels). and Thai and Chinese food. finals treats.

3. taken walks.

4. talked to Smithies on the phone for hours. Ok. this happens a lot anyway, because I love my Smith friends. But, still it’s happened this week too.

5. had coffee with 2 Smithies at U of C.

6. Spent hours upon hours studying hebrew. Really, this is what I’ve been doing with my time.

7. reading blogs, expecially parenting blogs, I love the kid stories! and I was really into unschooling blogs but now, I’m starting to realize that I wouldn’t really like their kids. They have no limits. (most families) and some even let their kids eat whatever they want whenever they want and go to bed without limits (which means, apparently, staying up until 11PM or 1AM as a preschooler, NOT cool).

8. skyping and emailing with my amazing friend N (who’s a U of C friend)

9. being tutored in Hebrew and going to an extra long review session.

10. scheming about lesson plans for Sunday school

11. planning my paper (1 of 2)

12. looking at apartments. Ok, only did this yesterday. But I will do it again tomorrow.

13. having panic attacks and worrying that my text messages don’t go through. and then panicking about that (so silly!)

14. Spending 2 hours at the allergists only to discover that the sinus infection that I thought was gone about a month ago is still lingering and that there might be an extra special infection just in my nose. Fun! I have had a sinus infection for 6 months straight now. I’m super cool and chock-full of antibiotics again. yay!

what do I need to do?

Well, before midnight, I need to turn in a paper. And then I need to start another one, but I’ll turn it in later, I guess.

And on Monday I will be taking a vacation!!!! to Florida!!!! where it’ll be warm and I can go swimming and hang out with my sister and grandparents.

Thinking about friends

This year, before I started grad school for year (not the intensive) I worried about making school friends. I didn’t feel really connected to anyone, I was nervous that I was too different. Of course my friend worries were unnecessary, I quickly developed a neat little threesome. I felt safe in these friendships and although they were intense because our program is intense, they seemed lasting. They may still be lasting, but in one there is a bump. And that bump is forcing me to take another look at the goodness of friendship.

I am so used to having old friends. Friends that are predictable in behavior and that know and understand me through history (which, crazily enough, if we met in first year of college is about 9 years ago).  We get each other through the hard times. We make each other laugh. We celebrate success. Most of these friendships are over the phone, since I went to an East coast college. A few are here at home. On Friday night, my three old friends and I went out for dinner on the Northside. And for a little over 2 hours, we laughed and joked and enjoyed old camraderie that had NOTHING to do with school. Yes, 3 of the 4 of us are at the same graduate institution (in different programs). But, mostly, we didn’t talk about school. We just enjoyed ourselves. I felt good (and the Eithipian food was amazing). I felt normal and grounded and happy. I drove home thinking about how grateful I was to have those 3 friends. And how special it was to be able to take time out and laugh with them, no matter the mood that I arrived with.

Today, flowers were outside my apartment door. Flowers! I have never received flowers from anyone. I don’t typically have flower-receiving types of relationships. But, I have been having a rough quarter filled with failure, rejection, and self-flagellation. And another old friend, one I met when she was a first year and I was a senior at college, knew about my mood. And she knew that the hardest is yet to come–finals. So, she sent me cheerful, beautiful flowers that were a perfect antidote to the grey day and the long, paper-writing weekend I just experienced.  They made me feel loved and safe. I was reminded how good I have it. I have so many good friends, that live in Chicago and around the world. I am so grateful to have you all in my life.

thank you friends.

Winter Quarter is getting to me

I try not to be negative on here. Hence the lack of posts. But winter quarter, in its 8th week, is getting to me. I feel like I’m slowly going crazy. Currently I’m on the right side of crazy, of course, since I’m still writing this.

The winter weather plus the hard classes with negative results just rains on my parade, to use an overused cliche.

To counteract this, I’ve been watching more TV and procrastinating. What else is new? I don’t really have much to say. I can’t wait to get to the other side of the quarter. Wish me luck! Just a couple more weeks!

Procrastination Tuesday

I have a paper and outlining activity due on Thursday which means that right now I should be working on at least one of those assignments. Which means that I, of course, am procrastinating. But, the sun is out! the snow has melted! and for at least a few days, it’s above 30 degrees and I don’t even have to wear a winter coat. I thought about biking today, but had too much in my bag and thought the wind might not be fun for the first bike ride of February. So, I took the bus and will hopefully walk home.

So things I’m thinking about:

1. the fact that 450 people were fired from University of Chicago hospitals today (at least). That’s hitting closer to home, since the hospital is on campus. My heart hurts for all these people. My family has definitely, in the past, experienced bouts of unemployment. It’s a horrible feeling. (and myself!)

2. the fact that it’s beautiful outside and it’s the 2nd week in feb. what does that mean? makes me nervous…not that we haven’t had a horrible winter because we have.

3. Grateful to finally feel better. I am finishing up a course of antibiotics this week for ANOTHER sinus infection. I was hardly able to breath on one flight of stairs. Today I can actually run up them without a problem. Yes! I’m still tired though. I probably just need a vacation.

4. Segregation. I went to a southside movie theater the other night. And it was a profound reminder of how segregated this city is. It makes me sad and mad. The movie was fun by the way.

5. slightly changing “the plan”. It’s an idea I’m bouncing around my head. If it actually becomes “the plan” I’ll let you know. (just what I’m studying excactly, not the whole being a professor/writer bit)

weekend

• This weekend my sister came to visit. It wasn’t the most amazing visit of all times. Snow kept being dumped, all of Saturday which made it NO FUN. We tried to go to the Museum of Science and Industry. It was a very wet process. And, we discovered, after wandering around, that growing up going to the museum made it a rather boring adult experience. And there weren’t any special exhibits to look at.  But, at least January is free month (there) so it was worth the price
• I don’t usually do a friends thing for my birthday, since it falls between Christmas and New Years. But this year, I decided it was about time. The last “birthday” celebration I remember (with friends) is 8th grade and I threw a summer party. This time, I invited my closest Chicago friends and went out to my favorite Logan Square Mexican spot (El Cid II). There were 7 of us, only 1 person +husband ended up sickly  (sadly). First, I have to comment on the number. For me, this is amazing (not that I don’t have more than 7 friends, but after the last 2 years of living in Madison where I couldn’t have invited more than my sister and her friends to a party, this is amazing! and 3 of those friends are Smithies (that came, there would have been 4!), and my sister was there. But still. I was so grateful and it reminded me of some life positives (which in the rush of grad school stress have been slipping away). Back to the “party”. My question is why did I choose to do this? I feel strange getting so much attention, in fact it makes me want to crawl under the table (and I probably make horrible faces). It was fun to get everyone together though–these people that I love. And then, I feel guilty for them paying for my meal because we were almost all poor grad students.  But it was fun. I need to remember that. And I didn’t crawl under the table when attention was put on me (I don’t get this feeling with family, oddly). And we had yummy food and good company.
• At religious school today we went to a Catholic church. It was quite the experience for all of us. I was surprised how strongly ideological the teachers were, especially when interacting with my (very left, liberal) students. Of course we had differing opinions. But, still. It was, though, a fascinating and memorable experience.