Leaving Israel: a post that meanders

Pardes has ended. Tomorrow, Friday, at midnight, I will fly back to the U.S. I wanted to write a quick post, that will hopefully be bookended on one side with a more reflective post when I have the time and space to reflect.

As many of you know, Israel is not a place I longed to visit. I came here, because of Pardes, somewhat reluctantly. Knowing that I would hate the weather (I’m a northerner through and through). Knowing that the people, the Israelis, would have personalities that would grate against me and offend and possibly even scare me with their aggression. I had no particular sentimental passion about the idea of the “Jewish homeland”, in fact, after the paper I wrote last school year, any seed of Zionist ideology still lurking in my brain was erased by disturbed disgust. (I believe that Israel should exist as a Jewish state, I just don’t identify with Zionism).

When I got here it was hot. The people were aggressive. The apartment I am living in was in a state of filth. And I was tired, still being affected by my newly diagnosed condition (and jet lagged). After six weeks, I’m beginning to see how I will tolerate living here for a year if things (yet unveiled to all) go according the the plan. The assets of a strong Anglo community are great. The body adjusts to the heat (although just barely!). The legs adjust to the hills–a good thing.The eyes adjust to seeing the soldiers with guns and the frum (orthodox) with their long sleeves and various forms of dress.

Pardes itself was just wonderful. I had occasionally spouts of uncomfortable feeling about the orthodox bent that comes with attending a halachically observant institution. But, you find your place. You discover a chevruta (study partner) in your classes that will meld or challenge your belief systems. It’s about discovery and flexibility. I am more aware in ways I think I don’t even understand now. I have an awareness of halakha, of the viewpoint of the Orthodox. And of the challenges of Jews being Jews everywhere in the world because of the great diversity of experience, especially in how that translates to explanation and education of the outside world. I was profoundly affected by learning in a pluralistic community where I felt free to grow and learn without self-consciousness. Sometimes, I felt awkward or weird or guilty about deciding not to daven (pray) in the egalitarian minyan, even though it is not my regular tradition and I feel better having more unstructured time. There were occasions when I felt strange not keeping Shabbat or eating in a non-kosher restaurant, even though I don’t regularly keep shabbat or kosher. So, the pressure was there.

I’m sitting here in my room in the German Colony, Jerusalem both excited to return to Madison, where the Pride fest will be attended on Saturday night and Sunday, where I will not have invitations to Shabbat lunch or seudat shlishi (3rd meal), and curious as to what it will mean to not be in a place where it is assumed that of course everyone will be walking to shul or eating a shabbas meal or lunch or seuda shlishi. Where after Shabbat ends on Saturday night, the streets come alive with families, singles, teens, and seniors. Where you still see small children eating ice cream outside Aldo at midnight. I wonder what that will feel like. Will it feel normal? will there be a feeling of loss?

The most exciting/interesting/lovely aspect of my Jerusalem experience was the people. I met such incredible people. And what I liked most was the lack of pressure. We’d eat dinner or hang out. But, we were all temporary. We all say good bye and if we see each other again, it will be with pleasure. There was such an interesting crowd. I was happy to be a part of them for 6 weeks. And I’m excited to maintain my Chicago friendships, which will hopefully translate into Shabbat dinners and shul hopping around the city.

First Year of Grad School Redux

I’m in the throes of Week 11: finals week. One paper is turned in, another in the works. I will still be working on a paper when I go home. That’s just the way it is, even if I pride myself on getting things done. Some things just take longer to be done than others–and it’s usually professor-sanctioned.

This post is a sort of evaluation of this year. I will also write a post about what I’ve learned this year. But that will come later.

This experience has been one of the most difficult of my life. One of the hardest parts of the experience is always feeling not-smart, and definitely lesser than classmates (especially the phd students). I haven’t felt the pure, unadulterated joy of success yet.  Instead, it’s this grinding process of “working hard” in order to get to the next step successfully. I’m not saying that this has been the most negative year of my life, but it’s been the year when I’ve constantly been working hard without a breath, or so it feels. To make things easy to understand. Here are 2 lists:

Negative aspects of the past school year:

• doing progressively worse in Bib. Hebrew and having to find additional support in order to succeed
• being sick for 7 of the 9 months of the school year with a sinus infection or related yuckiness
• being friend dumped
• discovering that even though my lease is supposed to go through Aug. 31, that I would be kicked out on June 14 for ADA renovations

Positive aspects of past school year:

• initially making/enjoying really amazing friendships
• meeting really fun, interesting people that I’m happy to count as both friends and really cool acquaintances
• taking interesting and challenging courses, even if sometimes it made me feel like drowning
• living in Chicago again, with all its neighborhoods, parks, etc.
• teaching an awesome religious school class with a wonderful boss

Obviously, the good outweighs the bad. And I had wonderful experiences even when there was negative things happening in my life. Also, these negative experiences help me to grow and become an even better person (cheesy? yes.) I mean, the sick part was just annoying because it affected my energy level which, in turn, affected my school-work time.  The friend stuff was the worst, and what I will not talk about on this blog–at least for several years. But, I learned important lessons from this experience about human nature.

The positive things were all so great. I have loved the spontaneous conversation with my classmates at the Div school that happen at the coffeeshop, the lounge, the study room and in the halls. Even though there is a tough competitive edge (which I complain about) here, cool people do exist! And being back in the city has been great. I love going to different neighborhoods for food, coffee, and people-watching. Hyde Park, itself, is a nice place to live. It is quiet and green–qualities I appreciate. One added benefit of returning to Chicago is the existence of my Smith friends, who brough a degree of normalcy and that lovely feeling of “old friends” to a new life chapter.

I think that, for me, the transition from the “working” world back to academia was tough. Hopefully, next year will be easier. I had to relearn how to study, how to write papers, how to read.  Being out of school, though, for 4 years was beneficial. Life experience makes me a better and more motivated student.

I’m glad that I’m here and proud of the progress I’ve made. And I can’t wait to have some time off to rest before saddling up again at the end of September!

Happy Nu Nu!

It’s nearly 2009. I’m sitting in the dark in my parent’s family room half-listening to Dick Clark’s New Years Hollywood. It was a quiet new years, just like last year. Although last year I had better company–sorry parents! Tonight, besides eating hors’ d’oeuvres and watching a movie, I gave the dog a bath. He’s coming into 2009 smelling fresh (well, except his breath, but we’ll work on that too). I’m actually going to bed in a minute. Like many other New Years Eves 0f my past, I may be asleep at midnight.

I’ve been thinking about the best NYEs of years past. Here’s my top 3:

1. buddhist New Year’s eve service in Chicago

2. jumping in the pool at the millenium with tons of cousins as the clocked ticked onto the hour

3. Blues fest in Boca. So much fun.

I have some resolutions, but they’re personal. In general, I’m always striving to be a better person, true to myself, and not so boxed in (on myself).

Happy New Year!  May 2009 be a hopeful, peaceful, successful year.

Back in Chicago again

Labor Day weekend, of course, has been the hottest days of the summer. Funnily enough, the “hottest” days this year were at 90 or below. I remember the Labor Days of yore…the “fall” of 2000 when I moved into Lamont at Smith, where all the dads had to go buy Smith shirts at the bookstore because they hadn’t brought extras. The move-ins I participated in in Des Moines, moving my sister in up the fire escape to her sophomore year dorm…the first year dorm wasn’t AS bad, but hot it was. 2 years ago, when I moved on Labor Day weekend, it was night-time and raining buckets. I lugged my few belongings up the stairs to my apartment in Portland, Maine.

This move was hot. But it wasn’t the worst. Although I feel like the trip from Madison to Hyde Park was the longest ever! We had the puppy, I was nervous about my bike rack ($10 on craigslist), so we made 3 stops. And my parents got lost because they didn’t put South in the street address on their GPS.

The puppy definitely made the move more fun, although slowly. I really am grateful that my parents have helped me move almost every single time. And this time, after nearly 2 years in Madison near my family, I’m sad to be apart. I’ll especially miss my sister and Riley, the puppy. But, grateful that I have family here as well. I’ve already received an invitation to the break fast out in the suburbs. And I think that I will be attending Rosh Hashanah services with my grandparents (visiting from Florida), Aunt, and cousin. Maybe even my uncle. Out in the ‘burbs as well.

Hyde Park is greener and quieter than Logan Square. But it lacks affordable grocery stores, and other conveniences. I took a trip to the South Loop Target today. My apartment is smaller, the bed (queen) dominates the room, but there’s plenty of room for my chair and desk and bookcases. The kitchen is big enough. And it has great closets. I like the building, although I miss a yard or even a balcony.

I walked to campus today, it is so nice and green. I start Hebrew tomorrow. And then, in a month, “real” school.  So off I go! On a new adventure. stay tuned…

Remembering the woods

I often forget that I live 2 blocks away from a piece of the UW arboretum, which is divided by the beltline (the highway the goes through/around Madison).

So, today, which dawned windy, but with blue skies and crisp air, I decided to reacquaint myself with the Evjue forest. Traditionally, if my family is around Madison on Christmas, we take a walk in this portion of the arboretum. It’s always fairly empty and it’s really nice to crunch along on the snow in the silence. This year, I’m hoping to bring my friend(s) on a walk here on New Year’s Day.

I followed the service road trail and walked through pine forests and oak forests, as well as some prairie. It was startling, as always, to notice the Fitchburg development which abuts the arboretum. When we moved to Madison, the part of Fitchburg that I could see from the crest of a hill was not developed. I used to take my mountain bike and bike up and down this large hill before a road cut through it and then later, where houses were built. Now, if I’m driving to the ‘bux from my parents’ house, I take that same road.

I walked around the woods for about an hour, just getting too cold as I was heading towards the entrance, and down the block to my apartment.

Nostalgia for Salt, or 2 new blogs

Many times this fall, my mind drifts back to last year at this time, when I was deep into my Salt Institute for Documentary Studies experience. I remember waking up happy, interested in what lay ahead or at least wondering what the ocean looked like. It was such a novelty to live so close to the ocean. I loved walking downtown to the harbor and on the Promenade (Eastern). I enjoyed my weekly farmer’s market date with a photographer friend. And, the program itself was intense, involving, confusing, and intellectually exciting. My roommates were also equally awesome, which made living in our large, apartment with an enclosed porch (unheated, but that was ok) and pink walls (in my bedroom) a pleasure. And, the weather in Maine was quintessentially fall-like. Unlike this year in Wisconsin, where it took far into October for us to enjoy consistently below 70-degree days. I got to dress in layers, wear one of my 2 winter hats and fleece gloves situations and fleeces. Mmmm, fleeces.

This year, I’m just trudging through my busy (thankfully) days. I don’t wake up with dread, most of the time, just not with excitement. It’s just another day, and if I’m working early at the ‘bux, it’s just another day when I drag myself from my cozy flannel sheets before 6. I hope that grad school happens for me next year, because I really enjoy learning and having new experiences.

Two new blogs have recently been started to aid me in my nostalgia for Salt and Portland and Maine. My roommate in Portland, a Salt alum (fall 2005), recently left Portland to hit the road. After a year + of planning and nudging and convincing, she has just begun the Notre Dame Oral History Project. She’s one lucky girl! She’s headed west, now in Montana (from South Bend, IN) talking to ND alums about their lives and college experiences. Her new blog, squirrel moments chronicles her experiences. I wonder if Smith would ever do something like that…

And, Salt has a new blog, where students can post text, images, and audio from their life at Salt. This blog feeds my nostalgic yearnings.

On National Coming Out Day

I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to mark the occasion of National Coming Out Day. I keep thinking about how this day was celebrated at Smith. I remember vagina’s chalked on the sidewalk near Neilson Library and other places. I remember the year that the angry senior wrote messages telling everyone that if they are queer they should come out, Now! so that there are no more Mathew Shepards.  I still fail to see the correlation. NCOD always occurred around the same weekend as Parent’s Weekend, which made for some interesting grand/parental moments.

Since watching Transgeneration, I’ve also been thinking about trans-activism and how my grandparents truly understood what being transgender means.  They ate brunch with a housemate known on livejournal as Transersely. He appeared to them as male and they, although they knew he was a Smith student, accepted him as male. Afterwards, my grandfather was astonished to know that transversely had an official “female” name. My grandfather said “he just looks like a boy.”

I  was also thinking about another friend of mine, who actually had a “coming out” project in 8th grade/summer of. She impressed me beyond belief that she was coming out with a project, of all things. Since I wasn’t in the same place as her in the coming out process (as in, nearly completely naive about my own sexual orientation), I didn’t catch on that in the process she was also coming out as queer! (hello 14 year JJ!).  I wish that my “coming out” was as plotted instead of messy and traumatic (not that things weren’t traumatic for her, but….).

And so, happy Coming out day!!! To those that are in the process for the first time (since we all have to come out over and over again), I wish you strength and grace and love for yourself.

Friday 5

Others do this, so I’m just jumping on the proverbial bandwagon . It’s an excuse to be less descriptive…or something.

In no particular order of importance:

1. The customer who threw a towel in my face emailed a complaint into customer service admitting that being unhappy with service, she threw towels in the barista’s face.

2. I am excited because not only is it going to be a beautiful weekend weather-wise, but my good friend S, a chi-town Smithie, will be visiting AND I don’t have to work on Saturday (although I have to work on Monday). There’ll be lots of outdoor play involved

3.In a week, I’ll be on a flight to Smith. This is exciting, because I miss the East Coast and I will be surrounded by many intelligent, fascinating women for a few days.

4. Last weekend, I bought a kayaking PFD (life jacket) in one step towards purchasing a kayak. Next, I’ll buy a paddle. It is my dream to own a kayak, but I can’t afford it right now. I also don’t know if it’s smart for me to buy one before I know where I’ll be if I get into grad school for next fall. It’ll turn into just one thing to schlep across the country.

5. A year ago this weekend, I found myself on the road to and arriving in Portland, Maine where I explored the world of documentary writing and labradoodles for 3.5 months while living a block from the ocean. Last year at this time, I wouldn’t have predicted that a year later I would living back in Madison with my sister, working as a barista, preparing to teach 4th grade religious school and 7th grade Hebrew, and freelance writing (this wouldn’t have been so surprising).