Reading Kant: it slowly becomes clear

My computer has an open book in front of it: A Cambridge collection Immanuel Kant essays on religion and rationality. I wouldn’t advise using that title to look up the book, although it’d likely come up, even though I’ve shortened and mangled the title. It’s open because I’m supposed to be writing an outline of this reading for a class. We have to write 3. I should have written 2 while we were reading Job, because now the pressure is on. Thankfully, there is no grading that occurs on these outlines. Because Kant! can you imagine? of all the things to try to understand, I believe that Kant is low down on the list.

I’ve read the essay a total of 7 times now. It’s slowly becoming clear to me. There is reason in Kant. Well, of course, this guy is all about reason. I remember when I first read him intensely. I was in this incredible class at Amherst called “Political Obligations”. The class was brilliant and filled with Amherst republicans. In fact, the professor was radically conservative and notorious. I felt, at the time, that it was the perfect reality check antidote after all the Smith College leftiness.  That class was the one at college that left me feeling at sea. I knew I would never succeed, solely because the professor was brilliant at his arguments and they were the complete opposite of my opinions. But, the guy made me think. And Kant still does.

Kant does not help me clarify my thoughts. But, he is clear enough that after multiple readings, I finally get his drift.

This week may be a clarifying week for me, Kant’s essay aside. I’m heading off to Philadelphia to visit RRC on Wednesday morning. I’m nervous and excited. I’m nervous about the logisitics. I’ve never visited Philly and I literally don’t know where I’m headed. Of course, I’m a pretty savvy traveller and will figure it out before I leave. I’m nervous about the logisitics of getting there late, which will probably happen due to transportation lengths and leaving early. I decided, when booking my flight, on being sane in my expectations. I’m leaving at 9 instead of at 7. And on Saturday, I’m taking a 5PM flight instead of one that arrives at 11PM. I am trying my darndest to stay healthy through this quarter.

I’m excited about finally getting to see this place that I’ve known about for so long. I’m looking forward to seeing some Smith alums (there’s even another prospective who went to smith!) and one of my former co-workers. I’m excited to see another place, even if the schedule looks pretty busy. I’m ripe for a new little adventure. But, moreover, I’m looking forward to seeing what I think: will my thoughts be clarified and/or calmed? I’m hoping so.

 

Crisply Fall

Today was one of those perfectly fall days–when the air has a bit of a chill and the sky is blue. I biked onto campus and it felt perfect. (It was particularly perfect since I didn’t have a class to go to…) I walked into the new “college commons” which, I must mention, is an awesome new quiet study area that has huge gothic-style windows. I like studying with natural light–the library and the Div School study room are lacking in that regard. The whole campus is gothic style, but we don’t usually have the ability to enjoy the beauty in a non-class setting. With perfect blue sky, the Gothic buildings don’t look so academically pretentious and ominous. They look pretty and ivy-covered stone. The sun stayed out and in the late afternoon, people even laid in the grass, enjoying the combination of sunny skies and chilly air. I love fall. Although I don’t particularly love change, the transition between summer and winter is my favorite. I like putting on long sleeves, my fleece (I, ahem, kind of live in my fleece) and winter hats. And I enjoy the ability to still stay outside and sit still or bike and be comfortable, temperature-wise. And there’s the promise of drama–of crazy winds and rain and then snow storms. Who doesn’t like a bit of drama?

I’m still here

My internet is not up yet in my apartment. It’s become an incredible saga that defies words. My frustration defies words too. Maybe I”ll have internet next week (early next week). If not, I’m finding a different provider and ignoring the price difference. But, this is why I haven’t posted. I just haven’t been online much and when I have been online, it’s been while doing my work-study job or just checking my email briefly.

Rosh Hashannah has come and gone. Yom Kippur begins tomorrow night. And classes begin on Tuesday.  The world keeps turning, I’m running to keep up.

I promise a real post soon. seriously.

Back in Chicago

I’m here in Hyde Park again. The weather is beautiful, perfect, actually.  My apartment is still in utter chaos. I’m putting it together, but it’s not that fun. I am looking forward to the place looking settled. The apartment itself is fine, it’s the mirror of my old one, which is slightly disorienting. I peeked in on the old place before moving in and the renovation is gorgeous. Somebody is going to be very lucky living there. I’m excited about living on the sunny side of the building and growing some kitchen herbs in my window. I’m thinking basil and maybe some mint, too.

I spent the weekend in Logan Square dog sitting. It was a relaxing transition back to Chicago, since that apartment has been homebase consistently since Smith graduation in ‘04. The strange thing about being back here is that although it feels so normal (I’m sitting in the Regenstein Library right now), in a way I don’t even remember this life. Last year was so chaotic and filled with illness and fatigue, not to mention the massive transition back into academia that it feels blurry.  I’m looking forward to truly living this year in a way that didn’t happen last year–with awareness and energy.

it’s that oppressive sun

I’ve been back almost a week. I’ve mostly recovered from jet lag, although I’m so exhausted by 9ish at night that I haven’t even finished the four books I got on Monday at the library (this is highly unusual for me). The weather here at home has been cool (we aren’t even hitting 70 degrees today!) and wet. The clouds have been crazy. And I realized that I really love them. No wonder I felt like the sun was oppressive in Israel. There were hardly any clouds and I missed them. Today, they are skating across the sky in giant, stormy clumps. Everything is consistently green. It looks like Wisconsin is going to miss the August grass burnout this year. Which is aesthetically pleasing. I worry, of course, when I read that the ocean is so much warmer this year EVERYWHERE and how that is affecting everything. But here in the middle, we’re abnormally cool.

It’s been hard to get on the road to productivity. Partly because my brain is tired and really just needed to rest. Partly because I get stuck in vacation malaise where I really just enjoy cuddling/playing with the puppy, taking him on walks, and hanging out around the house. Luckily, the action will be picking up again soon.

This weekend there should be some boating with the parents. And next Thursday, my sister and I will be heading up North to go camping (please, please, please don’t rain everday!). We’re planning on a waterfall hunting day trip to UP Michigan. We’ll actually end up near Lake Superior. Our campground is just outside Minoqua, WI, which is the town we’ve been vacationing near for our entire lives. We love that area of North Central, WI. And the National Forest we’re staying in is just great, too. Besides waterfall hunting, we may go kayaking or canoeing. We’ll definitely go swimming and hiking.

After we return, there’s just one short week until Labor Day weekend. We’ll have grandparents visit (Hi grandma!) and then we’ll all be heading to Chicago for a Bar Mitzvah. I’ll be staying on in Chicago afterwards, and at the end of the week, I’ll move into my apartment (yay!). Religious school starts that Sunday. Sadly, summer is nearly over. But, University of Chicago will not begin the year until September 29.

Moving Tales Part II

My parents arrived on Saturday to help me pack up the rest of my apartment. Which did happen, after 6PM.  It got packed, even though I was incredibly overwhelmed by the whole process (and really packing boxes in a studio is not a fun experience). We were finished by about 11, and they went to a hotel for the night.

Sunday morning brought perfect moving weather (unlike the torrential downpours of Saturday) and coffee from my parents. The person I hired to help move me arrived on time. And we loaded up the truck and my parents’ car and drove over to the storage place. I chose the closest storage place, which has a very sketchy freight elevator. After we loaded our first trip unto the elevator I braced for the trip up. We went up a few feet (it’s a manual elevator). And something started clanging. I was told to figure out what was ticking out the back of the cage, and discovered some sort of metal instrument and moved it. The person running the elevator tried to start it back up. It went up a little bit and stopped. He couldn’t get it to start again. This worried him far more than it worried my parents and moving helper (and me). We just sat there and hung out, but the guy wanted to get out. He called another employee on his cell and asked him to check out the basement: turning the power on and off, checking the water level in the basement, moving things around. Nothing worked. The guy got more and more anxious and started mumbling about calling the fire department. I was just worried about the time. I wanted to get moving (literally) but didn’t mind the break, and the elevator was big enough that it was pretty airy. Finally, he was able to open the 2nd floor doors the slightest bit and then all the way. Luckily a step ladder was in the elevator. We then climbed out onto the second floor and took the stairs down. I’ve never climbed out of an elevator before…just seen it done on TV.

By the time we loaded up the second (and last) bunch-of-stuff, the elevator was working again. whew! However, the employee decided (and was correct) that I had more stuff than space. So, I had to go find a new storage unit and move the other carts of my possessions down to a different floor.

Thankfully, even with all the stress and angst of moving AGAIN, it went pretty smoothly. Thanks to my parents and the awesome moving helper I hired.

I’ll be moving back into Hyde Park (somewhere) in the fall.  I cannot wait to live somewhere for longer than a year.

Moving Tales Part I

As has been mentioned previously, I was kicked out of my apartment, owned by U of C housing, because they wanted to ADA renovations in my tower and 1 or 2 others in the building. Across their buildings, there will be 40 more ADA accessible apartments overall. My friends speculate that U of C was found out regarding their lack of accomodations, because renovations have been occurring campus-wide. This move-out date was last Sunday, which was incredibly inconvenient. I still am not done with papers and had to suspend the process to move. It was incredibly stressful. When I moved nto my apartment initially, I had planned on staying for 2 years. It was perfect for me. I loved it. Below is a narration of the highlights of my moving experience.

Part I

I arranged for my friend Sarah, who works as a night nurse, to come over on Friday to help pack my kitchen. I planned on taking a break from writing/paper prep. Sarah arrived without trouble, and we walked over to the Nile for lunch. On our way over, we encountered a postal carrier. She greeted us with a hearty good morning (it was afternoon) and we responded in kind. And then she began asking us how we were. We responded affirmatively. Then, she asked if we would mind pushing her mail cart down to the next alley, the one with the bushes. An odd request, but I couldn’t refuse. I pushed the mail cart, with some mail still in it, to the alley and we went on our merry way. I do realize that this was illegal, but we didn’t ask for the, ahem, experience.

While at the Nile, where we ran into our friend E (hi E!) and her family (including her graduating from undergrad brother), I received a phone call. The caller was the nurse practioner I has seen for my yearly check-up 3ish weeks before. She asked if it was a good time, I decided it was ok because I had packing to do. And so, I discovered during that phone call that my thyroid levels were irregular. She wanted me to see someone ASAP. I asked if it could wait until after my trip to Israel, but she said no and sent my labs to Madison. I was not concerned, however while Sarah (thank you!) put together boxes and helped me pack my kitchen up I also spent a good deal of time on the phone trying to find a doctor within my PPO that would see me, even if I wasn’t there regular patient. Luckily it turned out alright, and the kind receptionist and nurses at a particular clinic in Madison were able to find me an opentime slot.

To be continued, please see Part II

First Year of Grad School Redux

I’m in the throes of Week 11: finals week. One paper is turned in, another in the works. I will still be working on a paper when I go home. That’s just the way it is, even if I pride myself on getting things done. Some things just take longer to be done than others–and it’s usually professor-sanctioned.

This post is a sort of evaluation of this year. I will also write a post about what I’ve learned this year. But that will come later.

This experience has been one of the most difficult of my life. One of the hardest parts of the experience is always feeling not-smart, and definitely lesser than classmates (especially the phd students). I haven’t felt the pure, unadulterated joy of success yet.  Instead, it’s this grinding process of “working hard” in order to get to the next step successfully. I’m not saying that this has been the most negative year of my life, but it’s been the year when I’ve constantly been working hard without a breath, or so it feels. To make things easy to understand. Here are 2 lists:

Negative aspects of the past school year:

• doing progressively worse in Bib. Hebrew and having to find additional support in order to succeed
• being sick for 7 of the 9 months of the school year with a sinus infection or related yuckiness
• being friend dumped
• discovering that even though my lease is supposed to go through Aug. 31, that I would be kicked out on June 14 for ADA renovations

Positive aspects of past school year:

• initially making/enjoying really amazing friendships
• meeting really fun, interesting people that I’m happy to count as both friends and really cool acquaintances
• taking interesting and challenging courses, even if sometimes it made me feel like drowning
• living in Chicago again, with all its neighborhoods, parks, etc.
• teaching an awesome religious school class with a wonderful boss

Obviously, the good outweighs the bad. And I had wonderful experiences even when there was negative things happening in my life. Also, these negative experiences help me to grow and become an even better person (cheesy? yes.) I mean, the sick part was just annoying because it affected my energy level which, in turn, affected my school-work time.  The friend stuff was the worst, and what I will not talk about on this blog–at least for several years. But, I learned important lessons from this experience about human nature.

The positive things were all so great. I have loved the spontaneous conversation with my classmates at the Div school that happen at the coffeeshop, the lounge, the study room and in the halls. Even though there is a tough competitive edge (which I complain about) here, cool people do exist! And being back in the city has been great. I love going to different neighborhoods for food, coffee, and people-watching. Hyde Park, itself, is a nice place to live. It is quiet and green–qualities I appreciate. One added benefit of returning to Chicago is the existence of my Smith friends, who brough a degree of normalcy and that lovely feeling of “old friends” to a new life chapter.

I think that, for me, the transition from the “working” world back to academia was tough. Hopefully, next year will be easier. I had to relearn how to study, how to write papers, how to read.  Being out of school, though, for 4 years was beneficial. Life experience makes me a better and more motivated student.

I’m glad that I’m here and proud of the progress I’ve made. And I can’t wait to have some time off to rest before saddling up again at the end of September!

Friday 5

1. It’s Mountain Day at Smith! I’m so jealous. I miss those years of apple picking and hiking. Here in the city, I might visit the lake again. But, the fall fun will have to wait until I’m home next weekend.

2. The first week of classes is over. It was good. I like having Hebrew now, because I know the teacher and my fellow students. It’s not new and strange. My new classes were both on Thursday (one I missed the beginning of on Tuesday due to Rosh Hashanah.

3. I’ve made friends, so I’m not worried anymore.

4. In less than two weeks, one of my best friends is visiting! I’m so excited.

5. Next weekend, I go home. I can’t wait for the pumpkin patch, hiking, breakfasting, and puppy playing.

New Year, New School

Today was my first official day of grad school. It started nicely enough, with an 8 AM class. I’m so glad that this class was Hebrew, because it was the same people (minus a few), same professor.  So, there was no fear, etc. And, we don’t really have homework. And, instead of multiple quizzes a week, we’ll have one on Friday.

Tomorrow is Rosh Hashanah, so I’ll be missing one of my classes, and one was cancelled. I’ll be going downtown to services with the congregation that I teach for. Tonight, I’m skipping services. Instead, I’ll be joining fellow Div school students in a dinner and viewing of the Last Temptation of Christ. How very Jewish of me.

This weekend was the end of orientation. Orientation was exhausting. I think the most exhausting part was the socializing. I just haven’t had to socialize much in the last two years. Considering that my most constant companion was my sister, and that I didn’t make “social” friends in Madison. I had good work friends. So, anyway, by the end I had a case of social paralysis. I didn’t know what to say anymore or what to ask. All I wanted to do was sleep and stare. When I was home I slept, and out at events, I tried not to stare into space.

There were fun things to do, however. I finally went on the Chicago Architecture boat tour, which was quite interesting. And we went out to a very nice restaurant in the Gold Coast, where we had a $40 meal for $10. We also went on a Southside bus tour. I found it interesting but boring. We stopped at the Bronzeville community center where a very angry man discussed Bronzeville with us. I understood the context, since I know, generally, what has been happening on the South side (with the Robert Taylor homes knocked down and the Ida B. Wells homesm and the gentrification, etc.). But, he name dropped and told us things without context. By the end I had a headache. Many people were unhappy with his presentation. Partially because the mostly-white crowd didn’t know how it pertained to them and partially because they didn’t understand what he was talking about.

I am now employed-work study-wise as a securirty monitor in the practice rooms of the music building. I have my own key even! I’ll work 2 nights a week. And I should be able to get lots and lots of work done. I’m looking forward to working in the music building because I love listening to it. I’ll also have to usher at concerts, which will be fun. I plan on quitting my senior citizen job in the very very near future. It’s not going to work out for many reasons.

So, I will survive on loans, sunday school, work study, and the odd babysitting job.