When I was young I had 2 professional aspirations: to be the first female press secretary. And to be a psychologist. I even have a psychologist office all planned out. I always wanted to be a writer of some sort–and ha, I am. Just not the super creative type. I spent a good amount of my 20s trying to get paid for writing before going to graduate school and trying to alter my path. But, I still ended up doing grant writing. And then I veered off. Now, I’m back. Although I think I’ll be doing less writing in this grant job than the last one.
Being a psychologist. I love hearing people’s stories and sharing my perspective. And there are a lot of people that appreciate my perspective. I am pretty honest/blunt though. I say it like it is. Which is a little hard sometimes. I am glad, though, that I didn’t become a psychologist. Sometimes separating sadness or pain that I hear about is hard. I’m a little too sensitive and empathic. I’ve developed a tougher skin though.
I think that a job with some writing and some research is good. Eventually, I want a job with some writing, some research, and some innovating. That would be the sweet spot.
Discipline is so hard to cultivate. And I’ve been devoid of good self-discipline for a while. So I’m already flailing! When I was a child, I had a ton of self discipline. And a super strict mom! I would practice piano before school. Every day. And after school sometimes, too. I would spend periods of time working on projects. I had this old book I got a used booksale–a how-to for roller skating. I would go over to our neighboring driveway (it was a driveway without a house) with that book and work for hours on the tricks. I don’t think I ever got very good, but I tried.
It was after college that I lost my self discipline, I think. But, especially in grad school. Because I got sick then. And everything just went out the window.
One thing that has carried me through these years though is taking myself to the woods. When I need to reconnect, exercise, get some fresh air, I go. Whether to a state park in Wisconsin or a forest preserve here in the Chicago area. I love being in the woods. It’s beautiful. There are things growing. There are trees. I also love being near the water, so if it’s near a lake or river, even better.
In the summers I’ve worked hard to go swimming at least once a week (I have a harder time in the winter, but this winter I’m going to try!). Now that I live in a fancy suburb with a nice indoor pool that isn’t at the high school, I am looking forward to trying it out.
I discovered podcasts over a year ago. Before that, I listened occasionally, but I wasn’t that into them. And then I got an iPad and realized what I was missing! Now, I have an unnecessarily long list of podcasts I listen to regularly. Podcasts have helped to expand my mind, engage my curiosity, and learn new and different things. Podcasts really made the last year or so much more bearable. Especially on all the driving I have done in the midwest (up to Eau Claire, Minneapolis, down to Chicago, and more).
So, what’s on my podcast list? There could be so many more. I wonder what this says about me: I like stories, I like thinking about culture, feminism is my jam, and I love new music.
I watched Mortified Nation–the documentary about Mortified performances across the country last night and this morning. I loved it. And sat there wondering what my journals were like. I went looking this morning and found the ones from college and after college. My others are in a box in the garage I think. So, I didn’t get to read embarrassing/funny entries for elementary, middle, and high school. I was so surprised by how much I wrote in my early/mid 20s. Then I started blogging–which is less personal. And then, I stopped blogging altogether. So I’m not journaling and I’m not blogging. I’m not writing at all except a little bit for work. My writing is deteriorating–not in a dramatic way, but I don’t have the opportunity (which I would be giving myself) to reflect back on my life and develop my voice. It’s a little bit sad. I’m stopping up my own creativity. And it feeds into this other issue I’ve been having, which is wanting to do independent “thinking” projects outside of work. I’m so burned out that I don’t do much at home. I don’t foster my interests in any sort of way. I only think about the independent projects I could do. I’m posting this 2-year-old photo of myself here because it’s my motivation to always live up to the creative and independent standards of me back when I wore my fake yellow glasses and winter boots in the house while doing my “writing” on the chalkboard table.
So, here I am. I reset my password. I’m posting a little reflective entry. And hopefully, I’ll start writing here again. Hello world!
I realized something lately, because I love fall. The falling leaves, the crispy temperatures, the gloomy rainy days that make the changing leaves look like an impressionist painting. I am happy to tramp through the woods in the fall. I … Continue reading