pictures on the refrigerator door

Every morning when I pour myself some water. I see this little girl looking back at me:

I was around 2 when this photo was taken. They called me “little professor” in the photo caption. My unique sense of style included wearing fake yellow glasses and my snow boots. As I get my morning water, these two little girls also look at me:

It’s the overall girls! I am demonstrating my one legged-standing skills, always an impressive pre-school skill, and Allison is just having a good time holding my hand.

Lately, every morning when I look at these two photos I feel like I have to make some sort of promise. I promise not to let them (my toddler and preschool self) down. As I head towards graduation from the M.A. program, I’m putting myself back on the edge of the cliff. I will either find a way to jump across or I will plummet. I know that sounds dramatic, but that is what it feels like.

I have high standards and expectations for myself. This year has been one of process–of learning how to change my standards and expectations to fit new realities. Although, I haven’t been very good at it, I have realized that the only person that I need to live up to is myself. I need to live up to the preschooler who played  lots of pretend;  the elementary school student that believed that she was a poet; to  the adventurous middle school student who took long solo bike rides; to the high school newspaper editor who wanted to be press secretary; and to the college student who wanted to be a writer.

To the little girls on the fridge. From now on, you are the only ones that matter. Standards and expectations of achievement and success that are held by other people are now background noise.

Keeping the parachute aloft

I keep thinking about that game you play in preschool/kindergarten. The one where everyone holds onto a piece of the parachute to keep it flat. Then they put balls in the middle and you have to keep them bouncing. Sometimes, the kids get to go under the parachute and look up at the balls… I feel like that is what spring quarter is like for me right now (well, I don’t get to go under and take a look at the bouncing balls). I had wondered, before this quarter started if I would be afflicted with some sort of senior-itis type of condition that is brought on by the prospect of freedom lurking behind the date June 12.  I don’t really have that sort of affliction, yet. But I’m having a problem multi-tasking. I think that it is because I need to multi-task with intensity. School is as hard as it ever was, that hasn’t changed. I need to (for myself and to not let down my professors) achieve just as well as before (and for some subjects, hebrew, for instance that means working really hard and not achieving much). But, I also need to keep myself thrown into the job search. There have been instances in my life where I have been able to be more “zen” about my future. But this time, it’s serious. I need a job–I have loans, I need health insurance, and I’m now 28. And, then, of course, I have my religious school job and my work study job, both of which have me creating. I love to create (with words) but that takes mental energy too.  So, how do I keep balanced–or in an effort to pull out the metaphor to its fullest (and cheesiest extent) how do I keep the parachute tight so that those balls keep bouncing?

28 years, 28 accomplishments

Today, I turn 28. Happy Birthday to me and my fellow December 28th birthday fellows (I personally know 2). As you may have noted, it is in fact my golden birthday! I’m not doing a lot of special things, but there will be a specially cooked meal (thanks Mom!) with a lemon meringue pie for dessert (yum!) and a family trip ($2 a ticket!) to the UW-Madison Women’s Basketball team’s game against Michigan.

Sometimes, after especially hard years, we need a little pick me up, reminding us of who and what we are. In honor of my birthday, I’ve made a list of 28 of my biggest and smallest accomplishments throughout my lifetime, not in chronological order or order of importance.

1. was accepted to college

2. graduated from Smith College

3. Learned to play piano and baritone horn/euphonium and love them and music.

4. sold my writing to local and national publications and received a check in the mail.

5. flew home from Florida all by myself the summer after 2nd grade and caught the travel bug

6. went to Israel with my grandparents (without my parents) and had an amazing time at age 13

7. spent 6 weeks in France without anyone I knew on a summer program after sophomore year of high school.

8. changed schools three times in Middle and High school and survived to tell the tale, and even made friends!

9. freshman year of high school, I won a poetry contest and read one of my poems in front of lots of other high school poets and “professional” poets.

10. played in high school marching band and marched at Disney World

11. had a Bat Mitzvah and fell in love with Judaism

12. was brave enough to be bussed to the high school for freshman English classes in 8th grade. I took a little bus (short)!  (seriously) It was a good experience but not a positive social one…

13. auditioned and was accepted into the high level concert band sophomore year of high school, much to my astonishment.

14. Went to State with my Odyssey of the Mind team in 8th grade.

15. volunteered with a peer education group beginning in 9th grade, which was as soon as I qualified. I continued to participate in peer-education organizations throughout high school.

16. peer tutored from 7-12 grade

17. tried out for the swim team when I moved to Madison. I had never tried out for a high school sport before. (I didn’t make it, but it was fun)

18. was editor in chief of my high school newspaper for 2 years

19. wrote for NewsSmith, the college relations publication as an intern

20. took a creative nonfiction writing workshop in college and rediscovered my love of writing

21. spent 3.5 months in Portland, Maine learning how to write scene-based creative non-fiction. It was amazing. Wrote one 14 page story about a labradoodle breeder and her family.

22. Studied in Geneva, Switzerland for 11 months. Took classes in French and traveled! (also lived in an apartment for the first time)

23. was bored in Geneva, so I learned how to play guitar in French, from a french-speaking teacher.

24. taught nearly 3 full years of religious school and hebrew school. Learned to love the middle school age group and have had a great time “teaching Judaism”.

25. was accepted to University of Chicago Divinity School

26. survived/passed the first year of the MA program while sick with 8 months of a sinus infection and an undiagnosed chronic illness

27. planned the logistics for 2 conferences for over 100 people without prior training.

28. planned a senior citizens summer camp experience by the seat of my pants and even had fun, sometimes.

November! already

Since the music department, where I do my work study, has a big Halloween concert tomorrow night, I have the morning off. I needed it. This quarter has been a whirlwind and adding just work study that does not have a schoolwork component has taken some getting used to. I have been spending the morning cleaning, drinking coffee (I bought a coffeemaker for $10 off of the university marketplace!), and listening to a podcast of the NPR show Sound Opinions which makes me feel cool, because by listening to S.O. I feel up to date on “new” music.

I can’t believe that it’s going to be November on Sunday. I also can’t believe that we are going to begin the 6th week of the quarter. This means that we only have 5 weeks left. That is slightly horrifying. The U of C quarter system makes EVERYTHING seem intense and move quickly. I feel like there’s no time to breathe or get used to how things are. Granted, I am what would be called  a slow adjuster. Although I seek out change, I grumble about it when it happens. It takes me a while to get used to things. And since I’m always seeking out new challenges that put me in new situations that challenge me, I am always grumbling about something.

I wonder about this component of myself. Part of it is this constant problem of getting bored–I need to ensure that I’m intellectually stimulated. But at the same time, it’s annoying. I’d like to be more conventional–have a “real job” now or, in all honesty, seek out a conventional life. As a kid, I did the same activities throughout my childhood, but I always had several on my plate. I quit activities when we moved but not because I was bored. I always played music and throughout most of my kid-life I danced, too. It’s not that I’m a flitter. I am a committer. But when looking for something to do with my life, I’m from the trying things out school of life. And I haven’t committed to anything yet.

This tendency of mine does not jive well with some readers of this blog (primarily my grandparents and my mom, ahem). And there’s nothing I’ve been able to do to relieve their fears that I’m going to be living at the poverty line and paying off student loans for the rest of my life. I’m ambitious and I’ve got things to do. I just haven’t figured out how to get where I want to go. Part of this issue is the burden of HAVING to have insurance due to my health problems. I look at my Salt classmates. Most of them have taken the risky path–freelancing. And now, finally, most of them are getting published and achieving success. I don’t know how much money they’re making, but there name is getting out there, 3 years later. (One is even writing for the Daily Show!) I didn’t have that much time to commit to living on the edge for the sake of my art. Or maybe it’s that I lack the passionate drive. Or a lack of patience.

For all my intentionality when choosing grad school, academia is just not for me. I am not good at living a theory/idea based life. I need something with practical implications and more human/community contact. I actually went to the career advising office this week. I wanted to talk to them about my visions of the future and see if they could help me forge a path. And the counselor was quite helpful, although she knows nothing about working in the Jewish world. I’ll have to go back. First, though, I’m visiting Reconstructionist Rabbinical College in 2 weeks. After I take that trip, I’ll hopefully know more about how I want to angle myself path-wise–more school? or something else? I’m keeping my visions of the future under wraps for now.

 

Julie & Julia made me think about passion

I went with my sister to see Julie & Julia tonight. And it was a wonderful movie: funny, touching, and smart. I loved the fact that both women are graduates of Pioneer Valley colleges. Julia Child, of course, was a Smithie. And Juliae Powell went to Amherst. Beyond that, though, the movie was inspiring. I am happy to have been able to meet Julia Child in 2002 at Smith. She fell asleep in my French class, but my friends and I attended a tea where she was the honored guest and were able to speak to her.

It did not inspire me to blog however, or to try to increase my very small readership. I understand how that could be construed, but I am actually talking about something different: developing a passion. I don’t have a specific passion. I’ve always had several. If you know me in person, you know that if I did or thought or studied about just 1 thing for a period of time, I will end up bored. I need the multi-brain stimulation or else. It’s not that I don’t develop enthusiasms, but it’s not the same.  It was so fun, though, to watch these two women develop their passions side by side.  And they talked about them. All the time. I met someone like that this summer. Someone who incorporated their graduate study into their lives to such a degree that it was ALL they talked about. Or referenced rather. The point of reference for nearly all life encounters and experiences ended up being this subject of study. Which, unfortunately, left us less privileged in the dark. It was fascinating to watch that passion, even when it was completely out of place in the social context we were in. But to see someone with that drive, like the Julie/as. Wow. It’s intense, impressive too.

I think it’s exciting that people can develop these nearly all-consuming interests. I always wished I had one. When I’ve tried to write my interests down, it ends up being a list, which is obvious on my facebook “info”. I have lots of “interests” and “activities”. I don’t have a problem being myself, but my life is definitely more about trial and error instead of feeling certain of a direction (although I have a good idea of where I will not be). I also know that not everyone as a “calling” or “passion” that leads their life work in a specific direction. Even so, I’m just hoping that even if my life path meanders and I never find an all consuming sort of passion, I’ll eventually end up somewhere good.